It’s all Cupid’s Fault
By Funky Monster
Valentines Day again. Brandon stood by the staircase window, watching couples stroll by, laughing, holding hands, and exchanging gifts. Meanwhile, he was as single as a dollar bill in an empty wallet. Every year, he prayed—begged—for love, and every year, he got nothing. Not a date. Not a romantic text. Not even an accidental love confession from a friend.
“Maybe I’m cursed,” he muttered, sighing.
Just then, a soft fluttering sound filled the air. A warm glow appeared behind him. Brandon turned, and there he was—Cupid himself, hovering mid-air, his chubby cheeks (both sets) glowing with divine radiance.
“Hey, hey! No need to look so down, buddy,” Cupid said, flashing a grin. “Love works in mysterious ways, you know. Maybe this year—”
Brandon sighed, nodding. “Yeah… I guess you’re right. Love is complicated. It’s not easy finding the right person. Maybe I just need to be patient, put myself out there more, work on—” He suddenly stopped, eyes widening as a realization struck him like lightning. “Wait a damn minute… this isn’t my fault at all!”
His gaze snapped back to Cupid, now filled with righteous fury. “I’ve been patient! I’ve tried everything! But I’m still single because you aren’t doing your job!”
Cupid blinked. “Whoa, whoa—hold on, pal. That’s not how divine matchmaking works! Love takes time—”
Brandon wasn’t buying it. “Oh yeah? You’ve had years to do your job! Face it, Cupid, this is your fault!”
Cupid gulped, sensing real trouble. “Look, Brandon, I know you’re frustrated, but let’s talk this out like rational—HEY!”
Before he could escape, Brandon grabbed him, spun him around, and in one swift motion, bent him over the window ledge. With a quick tug, down came Cupid’s toga, pooling around his ankles, exposing his divine rear to the world.
“Wait—WAIT! Let’s be reasonable!” Cupid squawked, struggling.
Brandon cracked his knuckles. “Oh, I’m being very reasonable.”
SMACK!
“OW! Brandon, buddy, let’s not—AHH!”
SMACK! SMACK!
“You had ONE JOB, Cupid!” SMACK! “And you FAILED!” SMACK!
Cupid flailed. “I—I tried! But love isn’t easy—YOWCH!”
SMACK! “Not easy? NOT EASY? Then what are all these couples doing outside, huh? Playing Uno?”
Cupid whimpered. “I can explain!”
SMACK! SMACK!
“No more excuses!” Brandon scolded, delivering crisp, sharp spanks. Cupid’s round cheeks glowed pink, then red, then deep red.
“OKAY! OKAY!” Cupid yelped, his wings twitching. “I PROMISE! Next year, I’ll find you a partner! I swear on Aphrodite’s name!”
Brandon paused. “Next year, huh?”
Cupid nodded frantically. “Yes! Yes! Next year, you’ll be in love, I guarantee it!”
Brandon narrowed his eyes. “And if you don’t?”
Cupid gulped.
Brandon raised his hand.
“NOOO—okay, okay! I SWEAR! No more single Valentines for you! Just—please, my butt is on fire!”
After what felt like an eternity, Brandon finally let Cupid go. The deity scrambled to pull his toga back up, rubbing his sore, punished behind.
Brandon crossed his arms. “You better deliver, Cupid. Or next year, we’re doing this again—and I’m getting a paddle.”
Cupid winced, flapping his wings. “Message received… loud and clear.”
And with that, he poofed away, vanishing into the heavens—hopefully to do his job properly this time.
Brandon smirked. “Happy Valentine’s Day to me.”
———
Funky posts regularly to his pages at Deviant Art (CLICK HERE)
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